Ballast

 Two days til Christmas. 

It's been an age since I spent any significant time in front of my computer doing anything other than consuming media of one type or another. Even logging into this blog took a minute to sort out. Partly that's the pandemic, which has driven all of us into survival modes again and again, and when you're doggy-paddling through a day, writing an essay is hardly front of mind.

I'm home by myself tonight. My little guy is sleeping upstairs, my husband is celebrating the end of the year out with friends, and the last of my cookies just came out of the oven. I think I've eaten four of them so far, but careful record-keeping in that department is not my priority tonight. This -- this update, this in-the-moment memoir, this brief sitting down with my own emotions and thoughts -- this is the important thing. 

I called my doctor yesterday to talk about increasing the medications I take every day. It's a knock-off version of the popular Cipralex (escitalopram) which I've been taking for about two and a half years now, to help fend off the worst symptoms of my anxiety disorder. Often prescribed to deal with anxiety and depression, this drug has been a critical chemical ballast in the face of internal storms, but recently the external stressors have overwhelmed even the fortified walls of my little mental tugboat, so I sent the S.O.S. for more S.S.R.I. and my physician approved a 5mg increase to get me through the next little while. We'll check in on my psychological meteorology in a month or two and relax our defenses again once the tempest has calmed. 

It's been a hard season at sea. But my house smells wonderful, my heart is at rest and the must-do-before-Christmas list is slowly getting items checked off. Tomorrow will be a busy one and my child is all but sure to drive me a little nuts, but I'm grateful for the twenty milligrams of peace I will swallow when I wake up -- and for the people who love me even when I'm a hurricane. 

Lord, bless my doctors tonight. May their coming weeks be filled with unexpected peace that runs deeper even than a healthy, regulated brain.

Lady, Lady: a Lullaby

Find a demo for this song on Instagram @nicoleankenmann.

G Lady, lady, quite contrary, Em                                   C I know you don’t want to sleep G Little man with other plans C                        G It’s time for bed and counting sheep

Dsus                          Em            Nursery rhymes are said and done,          Dsus        D        Em Your toys have tired of play              Dsus      D            Em There’ll be more fun when tomorrow comes               C And the sun gets up,         Em                   C The start of another day

G Lady, lady, growing heavy,  Em                                   C Rest your mind and your eyes, G Little man, make other plans:  C                                G Explore your dreams through lullabies

Dsus    Em               As fireflies prepare to dance,          Dsus         D   Em And stars come into view, Dsus    D             Em Slowly, softly drift away; C ‘Til morning comes         Em                      C The world will wait for you

Colossians / Thoughtfully Abridged

Colossians 1:1-29

Paul and Timothy, to the Colossian saints: praise God for your faithfulness to Christ Jesus! The spiritual fruit you bear is evidence that you are well taught, having heard and understood the truth. We pray for continued growth in knowledge and wisdom, empowered by the LORD you are learning to love. Christ, who took on physical form then formed all physical things — Christ, who redeemed damned humanity by succumbing himself to the curse — Christ, who reclaimed his life from death has offered us hope. Cling to this salvation; revel in mysteries revealed; boldly and broadly proclaim the truth. Colossians 2:1-23

Please believe that my geographical distance is not a sign of spiritual neglect: I’m pouring myself into ministry for the sake of believers near and far. We serve in Christ the limitless God; in him dwells all power, authority, justice, and peace. Don’t be deceived by counterfeit claims on your allegiance. You know the Truth. You have been raised from death by the same power and to the same degree that Jesus was raised to life. At the cross, he redeemed your past and secured your future. You owe him everything. Submit to nothing that does not submit to Christ.  Colossians 3:1-25

Uproot your corrupted desires: sexual immorality, greed, malice, ungodly speech, anger, deception, and the like. Nurture instead the holy pursuits of the heart: love and compassion, kindness and patience, humility, forgiveness, and peace. Heed the Word and express your gratitude lavishly. Your obligations to Christ will necessitate changes in your social interactions: wives, embody Christ’s humility by communicating with deference and respect; slaves and children, offer your obedience as though every action is directly in service to Jesus; husbands, fathers, and masters, imitate the gentle attitude of your Master, leading with love and encouragement. Remember that Christ is in all.  Colossians 4:1-18

Stay deep in conversation with the LORD — and when He answers, notice and be thankful. Pray there will be many opportunities for our message of Christ to be openly received, and that we will communicate the truth with clarity and wisdom, whenever given the chance. Pray the same for yourselves. I’ve sent two beloved friends as emissaries who will fill you in on the details of my work omitted here. With them, we send greetings from a number of other servants of Christ Jesus who labour here and beyond for the growing kingdom of God. Grace be with you.